The Way to a Woman's Heart
by: Chuck Snyder
The Problem: Why does she ask questions when she doesn't want answers?
One thing that comes naturally to most men is fixing things. But while we can fix objects like screen doors or computers or model airplanes or carburetors, we fail miserably at trying to fix our wives. We try our very hardest, but the more we try, the more frustrated we become because our helpful insights don't seem to make one bit of difference. In fact, they usually make things worse.
I’ll give you the bottom line first so you can begin working on it today: Women don’t want to be fixed – they want to be listened to That’s all. They want us to value them enough to be involved in their worlds and listen as they work out their problems. Most women do not even know what the problem is until they start talking about it. As they continue speaking from their hearts, they usually discover what the problem is and how to fix it on their own. That is so mysterious to us. They give is the tiniest little opening to help sort things out, and we jump in with our advice and become part of the problem. I can’t explain it; I just know it is true.
So find a copy machine and copy the list I am about to give you. Memorize it or put it in your wallet and review it once in a while because it is not something that will come naturally to you. When your wife gives you an emotional message, don’t respond with a three-point action plan. Listen, probe a bit, and listen some more. Just say:
“That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?”
“My, my…”
“And then what happened?”
“And what else do you feel?”
“That was really difficult wasn’t it?”
“Isn’t that something?”
“For goodness’ sake!”
“I’ll bet you couldn’t believe it, could you?”
“I’ll bet you felt helpless, didn’t you?”
“That made you so sad, didn’t it?”
“What else did she say?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“How about that…”
“Did you expect that?”
“That must have hurt.”
One small hint: Don’t go through the entire list for one feeling. Try to space them out. For instance, if she says, “My mother doesn’t listen to me,” don’t say:
“That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?”
“My, my…”
“And then what happened?”
“And what else do you feel?”
“That was really difficult wasn’t it?”
“Isn’t that something?”
“For goodness’ sake!”
“I’ll bet you couldn’t believe it, could you?”
“I’ll bet you felt helpless, didn’t you?”
“That made you so sad, didn’t it?”
“What else did she say?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“How about that…”
“Did you expect that?”
“That must have hurt.”
Just say, “How did that make you feel?” Then when she says, “…and the kids are driving me nuts,” you say, “That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?” And so forth. I think you get the idea.
When the husband flings a quick little helpful insight to his wife without truly listening to her heart, she feels that her feelings are being rejected-and feelings are part and parcel of who a woman is. Do that continually and she will eventually stop sharing her feelings because she doesn’t want it to be another lecture. So the more you can feel her feelings with her, the more she will know that you understand and care. It’s a powerful principle, but you’ll have to put a reminder somewhere and deliberately practice it because empathetic listening does not come naturally for most men.
by: Chuck Snyder
The Problem: Why does she ask questions when she doesn't want answers?
One thing that comes naturally to most men is fixing things. But while we can fix objects like screen doors or computers or model airplanes or carburetors, we fail miserably at trying to fix our wives. We try our very hardest, but the more we try, the more frustrated we become because our helpful insights don't seem to make one bit of difference. In fact, they usually make things worse.
I’ll give you the bottom line first so you can begin working on it today: Women don’t want to be fixed – they want to be listened to That’s all. They want us to value them enough to be involved in their worlds and listen as they work out their problems. Most women do not even know what the problem is until they start talking about it. As they continue speaking from their hearts, they usually discover what the problem is and how to fix it on their own. That is so mysterious to us. They give is the tiniest little opening to help sort things out, and we jump in with our advice and become part of the problem. I can’t explain it; I just know it is true.
So find a copy machine and copy the list I am about to give you. Memorize it or put it in your wallet and review it once in a while because it is not something that will come naturally to you. When your wife gives you an emotional message, don’t respond with a three-point action plan. Listen, probe a bit, and listen some more. Just say:
“That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?”
“My, my…”
“And then what happened?”
“And what else do you feel?”
“That was really difficult wasn’t it?”
“Isn’t that something?”
“For goodness’ sake!”
“I’ll bet you couldn’t believe it, could you?”
“I’ll bet you felt helpless, didn’t you?”
“That made you so sad, didn’t it?”
“What else did she say?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“How about that…”
“Did you expect that?”
“That must have hurt.”
One small hint: Don’t go through the entire list for one feeling. Try to space them out. For instance, if she says, “My mother doesn’t listen to me,” don’t say:
“That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?”
“Tell me more about that.”
“That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?”
“My, my…”
“And then what happened?”
“And what else do you feel?”
“That was really difficult wasn’t it?”
“Isn’t that something?”
“For goodness’ sake!”
“I’ll bet you couldn’t believe it, could you?”
“I’ll bet you felt helpless, didn’t you?”
“That made you so sad, didn’t it?”
“What else did she say?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“How about that…”
“Did you expect that?”
“That must have hurt.”
Just say, “How did that make you feel?” Then when she says, “…and the kids are driving me nuts,” you say, “That really ties you up in knots, doesn’t it?” And so forth. I think you get the idea.
When the husband flings a quick little helpful insight to his wife without truly listening to her heart, she feels that her feelings are being rejected-and feelings are part and parcel of who a woman is. Do that continually and she will eventually stop sharing her feelings because she doesn’t want it to be another lecture. So the more you can feel her feelings with her, the more she will know that you understand and care. It’s a powerful principle, but you’ll have to put a reminder somewhere and deliberately practice it because empathetic listening does not come naturally for most men.
